Today started as a good day, became a bad day, and ended as an ok day.
Good day: I managed to sleep for almost 9hrs, ate breakfast, got gas, and still made it to class on time. SMC was threatened with a power outage, so my Phys. Prof didn't really touch on anything terribly difficult. End of good day.
Bad day: I still needed to sleep desperately. Over the course of Friday and Saturday nights, I only slept a total of 8hrs. It was worth doing, but the deprivation told on my mental abilities - all I could think about was sleep. Then there was Interpersonal Communication class and the day began to really get bad. Up 'til this point, I could still rest my aching head by contemplating all that I have learned about Christ, His salvation and gifts over the past few days. No more. The SPEE prof. showed a movie to illustrate concepts of Perception in communication. It left me feeling completely soiled and stripped of all purity and chastity. It was just all wrong. The film did accurately illustrate how perceptions influence communication, but I wonder if the gain was worth the dirt that accompanied it.
I couldn't help comparing my past few days. Over the weekend, I was often completely surrounded by young men with only one or two other girls near me. Yet I felt completely safe, my purity protected, my person even honored at times. But here as I watched the film in class, though I was surrounded by an equal number, maybe even more, females than males, I felt completely filthy, covered with lustful guilt and a violated conscience. The difference then, isn't the number ratio of male to female. It is rather the way we are treated: as sisters in Christ, or as objects to be used. I left the class angry - angry at the film, the students, the professor and most of all, myself - my own sinful flesh. Grant Lord Jesus that my healing in your holy wounds I find. Cleanse my spirit, will and feeling, heal my body soul and mind.
Then HD&L (human development and learning) helped me cool off, though I found it hard to concentrate. Still exhausted, I drove home singing Lent hymns the whole way. There's nothing like Lent hymns when you feel guilty and sinful to remind you of your pardon and purity in Christ. End of bad day.
Ok day: Instead of doing homework when I got home, I unpacked from Phoebe and tried to take a nap. It didn't exactly work; the voices of siblings kept calling me back to reality. But at least I managed to rest a bit and clear some adenosine out of the reticular activating system. After feeding my geriatric caprine pets, I caught a ride with Karen and Snap down to South Bend and was able to process the whole retreat with them before service. I was looking forward to going back to Emmaus and seeing Pr. S, Anan, Magsplat, and others again, but at the same time, I was (and still am) a trifle apprehensive. I guess, to be honest, I'm fearful of being drilled about boys and relationships. Much as I enjoy harmless teasing about this topic, I don't want to associate "romantic relationships" with an experience as wonderfully life-changing and salutary as the Pheobe retreat. I don't want to feel guilty about talking theology with the opposite sex. I learned alot and was strengthened in my faith from those conversations. Also, 'relationships' were not the focus nor the purpose of the retreat (despite St. Valentine's day). It seems a little hypocritical for a prospective deaconess focused on learning how to serve to pursue or chase romance. All that to say that I was relieved tonight to not be pressed about guys beyond an inquiry about whether I've become betrothed. :-) The answer to that is a simple, "NO". I haven't even attained my majority yet, for crying out loud!
Anyway, Vespers was extremely refreshing, as was Bible Study. Also seeing Pastors again. Friends too. I know that today, same as every day, I have done and said things that I ought not have. But I know that Christ didn't, and all that he did and didn't do is mine in baptism. Thank God!
So now I'm home and typing. I better go to sleep before a good ending to the day becomes a bad ending by staying up too late. Further stuff on Pheobe hopefully tomorrow....
End of Day.