Friday, February 1, 2008

Chaos in the Court

The court is convened. Justice Discernment presides, grasping in her hand a massive potato masher, which gavel she proceeds to rap on a cushion. fwap, fwap, fwap!


"This court will come to order! Who is the plaintiff?"


One Mr. Misshunt rises and belows only to be silenced by the prosecuter who announces the name of the former with equally misplaced grace.


"And who is the Prosecuting Attorney?"


The aforenamed gentleman squeals with dignity, "Mr. giggle Broken-Glasses giggle, giggle"


Indeed his glasses nearly fall off his nose; very large, round, and black rimmed are they.


"What is the name of the accused?" inquires the Justice solemnly.


Said personage attempts to blurt name until silenced by Her Honor, at which event Counsel for the Defendant rises and announces that the defendant is one Mr. Ebenezer Jones. When asked to reveal the name of said Defense Attorney, the dignified response accompanied with a slight bow is,


"My Self"


Her Honor notes these proceedings and continues to the case at hand.


"What is the charge?"


He of the large, round glasses giggles then looks at the judge with a look of horror and states sadly, "I don't know, I forgot to ask!"


"Then ask quickly!"


Turning to the plaintiff, the prosecuter quickly ascertains the charge against the defendant and returning his reddened gaze to the justice declares:


"Ebenezer Jones is charged with destroying private property by fire."


utterly horrified tumult erupts throughout the court


Justice rapps potato masher gavel. "Order, Order!" finally screams "Silence!"


"Mr. Ebenezer Jones, how do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?"


"Not guilty!"


"Your HONOR!"


"Your Honor."


Justice sniffs and swings her gaze to the gigling prosecutor. "Do you have witnesses?"


"Yes, right here."


The plaintiff, Mr. Misshunt does a little dance on his way to the witness stand.


"Administer the oath, Prosecutor!"


Prosecutor holds a book before the blushing Misshunt. The latter places his hand on the checked Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook and swears


"To tell the truth, the half truth, and not all the truth"


Satisfied, Discernment leans back and observes the questioning. Attorney Broken-glasses begins.


"Where were you when this happened?"


"Wael, I was huntin and all of sudden I heard whoosh and Auh turned around an sauw this burnin thing an I looked and someone was lighting a cigar and throwin it on my huntin shack....

murderous screams of denial from defendant

...and I have a video tape of Mr. Jones doin it. Seee!"

defendant howls, "you can't do that!"


Judge solemnly accepts invisible recording as Prosecutor Broken-glasses resumes his seat announing that he is finished questioning his witness.


Judge peers at Defense Attorney. " Do you wish to question the witness."


rises: "Yes, your Honor, I do."turns to the redfaced plaintiff


"Mr. Misshunt, you said that you were hunting, heard whoosh, saw the fire, and THEN saw her light the match?


The plaintiff sputters loudly, gropes for words and throwing up his arms cries whiningly, "Saraah! Elle!! Oh fine! I lose! I'm all done...."stomps off down hall.


Justice Discernment bangs her gavel and calls loudly, "Lukie, you get back here right now or I'll end the case. You're in contempt of court. If you don't come back I won't play with you guys anymore this evening!"


Mr. Misshunt sheepishly returns to the bench and faces Mr. My Self with shamefaced defiance.


The Defense Attorney clears her throat. "Mr. Misshunt, had it rained lately?"


"No"

"Was the hunting shack dry?"

"I told you it Burned to the Ground!"

"Did the person who lit the fire use a torch?"

"Nooo! I told you it was a match."


"I am finished questioning the witness, your Honor."


The Justice has been working to keep her face straight and has failed utterly throughout this entire exchange. Now, with face grave and voice somber, she inquires:


"Is there a witness for the Defense?"


One Mrs. Mareshmello (suddenly converted from the defendant) approaches the stand and is administered the oath on the cookbook by the Defense Attorney to...


"...tell the truth, the half truth, and not all the truth"


Mr. Self begins. "Mrs. Mareshmello, were you near the shack that day?"

"Whay Yees, I was."

"Did you see it start to burn?"

"Yes"

"Did you see Jones anywhere near the hunting shack?"

"Oh, No!"

"Do you know what Ebenezer Jones looks like?"

"Of course I know, Eb. Jones is my best friend!"

attorney groans then proceeds

"Did you see how the fire started?"

"Sure, somebody dropped a match."

"Did you see who it was?"

"Weel, I think it was Lily Van something or other. I'm not quite sure."

"You are certain that it couldn't have been an electrical problem that started the fire?"

"No, couldn't possibly be!"

My Self groans again and half heartedly inquires again

"Mrs. Mareshmello, are you a shady character?" sarcastically

"Yessss"
attorney, flabbergasted: "I'm finished your Honor!" sits.

An amused judge turns to the prosecutor, "Do you desire to question the witness?"

"Yes I do, giggle" He turns toward the witness, very business-like and decorous.

"Mrs. Mareshmello, did you light the fire?"
"No!"
"Are you a shady character?"
"Duh!"
"Did you have matches with you when you were near the shack?"
"No, Never."
"Have you ever lied before?"
" Nah, once when I was a little kid, I lied to my Grama about my school, but never since then!"
"So you have lied?"
"I think everybody has."
"Do you smoke?"
"No."
"Are you telling the truth?"
"Of course not! I swore to tell the half truth!"
"Are you telling the half truth?"
"I better be! I swore to!"

Grinning, the prosecutor attempts to resume his seat.
"Are you finished?" bellows the justice. Broken-Glasses jumps to his feet.
"Yes I'm finished."
"Your HONOR!
"Your Honor."

"Do you have anymore witnesses?" to prosecutor
"Um, glances at plaintiff I think so... yeah."
plaintiff transforms into witness, then faints to the ground, convulses.

Judge threatens with fines, and witness, wobblingly takes the stand.

sings loudly, "I swear to the the whole truth, the whole truth..."

prosecutor burps
"Do you know why you are genetically prone to falling over like that?"

Witness answers in sing-song, "Well I was in that hunting shack goin' bang-bang out the window at a turkey and then there was this eagle, so I went bang-bang at the eagle too. Sowhat if it's illegal.. Weall, I shot at eagle, went bang! hit mah head instead and cracked my head and then switched brains with a cow...
sings/screams :MOOO, MOOO, MOOO"

Prosecutor: "Oh, my!"

Justice sobbing with laughter, "Are you finished?"

Prosecutor nodds in disgusted disbelief. "I don't want him!"

Defense attorney has no need to further question witness who then seats himself.

Recovering, Justice Discernment turns to plaintiff/crazy convulsing witness, "What exactly is on this video tape I have here?"

crazy sing-song again: "Well, it shows Jones started the fire in my shack right next to tons of signs sayin' "private property" all over. An she (whoops! he) killed that person in shack who actually wasn't a person, really a robot... Nah, it shows a person throwing a match, guy in window shooting eagle who misses, knocks head and goes to the hospital....laughs strangely"

Judge looks carefully at invisible tape recording. "Well if that's what it shows..."Plaintiff turns suddenly serious.
"Wait, Wait! That's not really on the tape! I thought I was still that crazy witness. No. Ok. Now I'm Mr. Misshunt. What's really on that tape is the guy throwing the match onto my shack and the shack burning up."

defendant yelling in background, "let me defend myself! Let me defend myself."

Justice: "I see! Alright! Mr. Ebenezer Jones! Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Defendant indignantly screams, "Those private property signs were because the shack was on my property! I was burning MY shack. It was on my property without permission! And it had worms in it! Why should anyone be allowed to videotape me burning MY shack on MY property?"

Discernment inquires, "Which of you has the deed?" Turns out they both do. Bother!
The defendant's deed dates from 1899 while the plaintiff's deed was written in 1776 and 1885. Nevertheless, the plaintiff's deed has one thing that the defendant's does not have: a copyright! The noble Justice seizes on this point and settles the case in her mind.

"Does the Defense Attorney have anything further to say?"

My Self comments sarcastically, "It would have been nice to know that Mr. Jones thought it was his property at the beginning of the case. I think both parties should have to pay my bill."

The Judge pounds the potato masher gavel again as the courtroom erupts with contradictory shouts. "Silence! or I'll fine you all! All rise to hear the decision of the Justice."

Misshunt, Jones, Self, and Broken-glasses, rise reluctantly.

"I find Mr. Ebenezer Jones guilty and order him to pay Mr. Misshunt 4o bucks and a bald eagle.
I find Mr. Misshunt in contempt of court and fine him 1oo bucks. I hereby prohibit these attorneys from taking part in any court case again! COURT ADJOURNED!"

6 comments:

Snap said...

You forgot the part about Mr. Broken Glasses's glasses falling off a dozzen times.

Snap said...

Oops, I miss spelled dozen :(

You also forgot that Ms. My Self wished that she had known FROM THE BEGINNING that the land was Mr. Ebs.

Snap said...

By the way, I'm looking for a new client. The past two have proven themsevels guilty, so I would like to defend a INNOCENT person. Even if you aren't innocent, don't show your guilt to the judge. We want to win the case (or at least I would) If you really think you are guilty, please, please, please PLEAD GUILTY AT THE BEGINNING!!!!!!

Nat said...

I think you already know my blog, but on the chance that you don't, I feel compelled to alert you to a response-post of mine.

http://nbmh.blogspot.com/2008/02/review-or-stylized-publicity.html

Nat said...

I hope you've seen Ratatouille, btw.

TruthQuestioner said...

My apologies to all who have been mildly confused. (pronounced con-fuse-ed)

This is an actual documentary penned by an amused judge. Goes to show what happens when parents leave the kids by themselves.

No, I have not seen Ratatouille, in fact, I was unaware of its very existence until this afternoon. [gasps of horror from audience]