Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Sleep Deprivation

I'm exhausted. This is absolutely crazy. I don't know how I am going to stay on my feet the rest of the day. Maybe I can sneak in a nap between classes. If I don't I know I'll fall asleep. As I was finishing homework this morning, the walls started to move. Weird! The walls seemed to bow inwards the higher they went upwards....I know that's not normal.
When I haven't obtained enough sleep, I start to curl in on myself. Normally, I function external to myself. I think out loud with my family. I walk around. I sing. I interact with others. I vocalize (some of) my feelings. I respond with nonverbals. Even when I sit, I stretch out. But I can tell I haven't slept enough when this changes. When I want to hide in a dark, tight corner, curl up in a small ball, wrap my arms around myself, and shut out the world - light, noise, sight, smell. My thoughts gel into a solid stagnant mass in my brain instead of flowing like liquid. I feel comatose. I force myself to focus on lecture without really responding to the information. I reply to peers reflexively without realizing what I am saying. I am silent and passive instead of argumentative. Even my eyes feel dull and glazed.
But the worst thing about sleep deprivation is that just as my mind blocks out all external stimuli so my heart's disquieting condemnation starts to overwhelm the gospel of forgiveness I know to be true.
I need to go to church tonight, but I need to sleep. I don't think I can do both, but I desperately need both. Somehow I'll work this out. If I say something stupid in the next day or so, everyone should know why.
Back to homework....if I can focus.


Anan said...

I do hope you weren't... overly warm...

TruthQuestioner said...

No, actually that was the weirdest thing. I'm usually always sweating hot and overly warm no matter what the temperature.

But that morning I was chilly.