As I am in need of and currently enjoying little comic relief at this time, I thought I share some.
First, you simply must head over to Snap's place and read the history test! It's priceless.
Secondly, that Pine Cone Boy has given me permission to post quotes he took from Augustine. I stealed them from his blogses. Editorial Note: if there is a "me" in the following it signifies Zack. I must have forgotten to change it. Also, Bladerunner is Dr. Bloedow. And Metelsk is Dr. Metelski. And the funniest quotes are at the bottom so you really do have to read the entire thing!
Kyle: When I say there are seven students in my class, people ask, “You mean seventy, right?” “No, seven.”
David: “It’s kinda like seventy…”
Kyle: “…only divided by ten.”
Joel: Please tell me we have internet.
Joel: Gah! My life is over!
Kyle: That was short.
Zack: I bet I know more Swedish than you do.
Kyle: (pointing at IKEA package) Then tell me what “Malm” means!
Joel: We have to make up a name for the frat we started five seconds ago. What rhymes with “frat”?
(On Joel’s strangely constructed closet)
Kyle: I can just imagine you sitting up there, reciting poety and thinking up rhymes for “frat”.
Joel: It’s like Narnia back here… ‘Oh, hey Aslan. Can you think of a rhyme for “frat”‘?
(This was a hypothetical dialogue Dr. Tingley was describing)
Torturer: Tell us who your accomplice is!
Victim: I like sardines.
Samantha: (on a fuzzy picture Tingley wanted us to indentify) It looks like a bat with a cleft lip.
Tingley: (on the same picture) Only one student has ever guessed it without any hints or prompting. He was one of the worst students that year, but he guessed it.
Tingley: People used to read Plato after supper, whereas now they read John Grisham or… Harry Potter. (looking at Zack's weird expression) I’ve probably offended some people already.
Zack: No, I just wish everyone would stop staring at me!
Kyle: Is there somewhere I can park around here without getting one of these? (holds up parking ticket)
Zack: The Basement People are on an excursion. Get all your hammering done now!
Harold: (on whether or not the Basement People would steal our stuff) I don’t think you’ll have any problems with them. (pause) I’m a little worried about your laptops.
Kyle: Also, when it’s raining, that tree tries to kill you.
Zack: (on Joel’s techno) Is that the song or are you rewinding?
([Zack]'d sat down next to Kyle with a creepy smile on [his] face)
Kyle: I thought you were trying to get me to drive you somewhere.
Zack: No. I just like being insane and enjoying every minute of it.
(later)Kyle: (on Joel) He’s insane and enjoying every minute of it!
Zack: Hey, at least I’m not smellily insane.
Kyle: I think he doesn’t like your dreadlocks.
Joel: You’re a shameless antagonist!
Zack: (pointing at David’s cereal) Can I have some of that?
David: No… listen, my cereal is like your ice cream.(pause)
Zack: I’ll trade you.(Joel and David laugh)
Joel: I guess it’s not… that was really funny. (laughs some more)
Zack: OK, I guess I’ll have to write that one down…
Kyle: Huh? (opens a book cover which folded out without anything on it) I don’t get it. Why?
Dr. Patrick: Atheism explains nothing and leaves you with all the problems. At least Christians can blame God, and he doesn’t seem to mind.
Dr. Patrick: Do the hardest thing you’re capable of.
Dr. Patrick: Do the hardest thing you’re capable of.
Joel: Oh. I thought you said, “Do the hardest thing and your head will blow up.”
Janice: Do you want anything to eat?
Clement: No, I’m fine.
Dr. Patrick: You don’t look it.
(Sarah was telling how she RA’d for another college once, and contrasting the guys’ disgusting residence with the girls’ lovely one)
Sarah: The girls’ house smelled really nice, with cookies and brownies…
Dr. Patrick: And not an intelligent word to be heard.
Bladerunner: In this course, you will never, never be allowed to say, “There is two”.
Kyle: (on his church) Most of the congregation is Chinese. And then you have a few token Caucasians such as myself.
Joel: Choir was mandatory, so I took that for a few years. Can’t read music. Then in high school I took band, and I was the trumpet. Still can’t read music.
Rev. Hayman: There have been a few people over the years who have gotten away with calling me “Dougie”.
Joel: Can I be one of those people?
Kyle: The rain is deceivingly wet.
Dr. Tingley: (reading Hegel) “To pit this single assertion, that ‘in the Absolute all is one,’ against the organized whole of determinate and complete knowledge, or of knowledge which at least aims at and demands complete development — to give out its Absolute as the night in which, as we say, all cows are black — that is the very naïveté of emptiness of knowledge.” (pause) Hwat?!?
(We were trying to translate the Latin idiom “Si vales, valeo” into a corresponding English expression. Various attempts included, “If you’re well, I’m well,” “If you’re fine, I’m fine,” “How are you,” and others)
Bladerunner: (clarifying) HI!!!
Dr. Tingley: Sorry I’m late today.
Joel: We’ll forgive you. Well, I will, anyway.
Dr. Tingley: If the fart, I mean, the heart… I’m really sorry these lectures are recorded.
(Emily was telling us how she abbreviated words like “tradition” and “delicious” to “tradish” and “delish”)
Zack: Gah, I HATE it when people do that!
David: Oh, it doesn’t mat to me.
Metelsk: Everyone has a book at home?
(we nod) Good. It has nice pictures.
Kyle: (on his Literature notes) I put down here on the timeline, “William the Conqueror does his thing. CONQUER’D!” And then later, here’s Christopher Marlowe. STABB’D!
Metelsk: (explaining Anaximander’s theories) That was his thinking. Well, good try.
Karen: Deer are so stupid! *sigh* We should just shoot all of them.
(I mentioned I was planning to bring an axe to the Ranch)
Janice: An axe? A hatchet maybe, or a tomahawk…
Karen: I love throwing tomahawks. (mimes doing so)
Sarah: See, this is what makes me afraid of Americans. Americans and Zack.
Zack: I like weapons.
Zack: (finishing drying pot lid) Here’s your LID.
Joel: Put it on the pot, please.
Zack: Never. I’ll die first.
Joel: That can be arranged.
Bladerunner: (coming out of a long tangent about Roman history) No, we didn’t do the verb… why am I talking about this? We’re supposed to be doing Latin…
Bladerunner: A noun in the nominative plural.
Bladerunner: Oh no, no, no, don’t do that to me, Karen.
Bladerunner: First verb.
Bladerunner: Now Joel. Now Joel, don’t ruin my day.
Bladerunner: The verb?
Kyle: Iram… no, what am I doing…
Bladerunner: I don’t know what you’re doing. It puzzles me.
Bladerunner: “Caecilianus has a lovely dinner-guest.” (pause) A pig.
Bladerunner: Direct object.
Bladerunner: Now David, don’t make my life miserable.
Bladerunner: The verb?
Bladerunner: What are you trying to tell me.
Sarah: The next chapter is exactly the same as the last one, except with masculine endings.
David: But that’s not exactly the same, then!
Joel: They look young and stupid. Why aren’t they in school?
Karen: (watching a beatboxing video) Can you imagine how much spit is in that microphone?
Prof. Warren: I won’t read all this; I don’t want to kill your brain cells.
Zack: You already have.
Prof. Warren: Yes, well, hopefully we’ve created a few along the way…
Kyle: I’ve decided to form a club called, “Paradise Lost: WTF?”
Joel: (on the Cyclopes) They’re irreparably nucleic.
Prof. Tucker: Now there’s a phrase.
Zack: I’m pretty sure I’m the metalhead of this residence.
Joel: Yeah. (pause) Actually, I’m not sure you are…
Zack: You’re right, I’m just a poser.
Kyle: Wow, that was a quick confession.
Rev. Hayman: (making some kind of Biblical illustration) If you hear a loud roar outside… (a bus rolls by loudly outside) …well, that’s not quite what I was thinking of…
Tingley: Something in my brain is upside-down.
Joel: Why won’t it just get cold?
Zack: Zeus is angry at us. We must make hecatombs.
Joel: We’ll pour out libations and slaughter a cow. Except I don’t have any cows. (looks out window) I hope that guy will do.
Tingley: We’ll be able to end early today. Mercifully. For once. (we didn’t, btw)
Tingley: (on a bust of a philosopher) What’s different here?
Samantha: He looks insane.
Tingley: (on a sculpture of Aphrodite and Pan) She’s got a slipper here, and she’s going to whack him. “Oh, you naughty thing!”
Emily: They’re probably in numerical order. Two coming after one, etc.
Clement: So how’s everyone tonight?
Zack: Peachy. I’m just peachy!
Sarah: I think we need to stop giving Zack sugar. And caffeine.
Note attached to plant: I’m drowning. Don’t water me, please!
David: (telling a joke) What do white children turn into when they go to heaven?
Joel: Black people?
David: No, angels.
Joel: Same thing.
Emily: (dramatically speaking of the alleged Beowulf movie) As Grendel’s arm was ripped from his body, so the plot of Beowulf was ripped from the poem!
Joel: (on Beowulf) He killed seven people before he was born.
Emily: Yeah. “I ate my twin!”
Karen: That’s not the question I was expecting…
Tingley: Deal with it.
The following bracketed quotes are from a film Dr. Tingley showed us:
[Narrator: Each man puts forth his own definition of love until finally, Socrates annihilates them all.
Teacher: Beautiful speech. Beautiful. But of course... it has to be demolished.]
Me: I have a possible solution to the subjective dilemma you find yourself in.
Karen: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!
Joel: You don’t hear much, do you?
Kyle: I learned all this reading Tom Clancey novels.
Prof. Tucker: Yeah, they teach pretty much everything in those except character development.
Zack: Look, did you have some kind of weird drink at that party?(pause)
Joel: (in really weird voice) The weirdest.
Tingley: That’s a good question, and we should answer it — just not now.
Sarah: I’m a horrible person.
Kyle: But it’s such a nice horrible.
Bladerunner: And who do you think Ovid is speaking to?
Kyle: Umm… who’s Ovid?
Prof. Warren: Well, we’re finishing up Gregorian chant today, believe it or not.
Zack: I don’t believe it.
(the following exchange took place on MSN)
Zack: Where are you?
Joel: I’m listening to MM in hermitude.
Zack: Hermitude? I think you mean the Hermitage, my friend.
Joel: No, hermitude. It’s like solitude, but with a beard.
Rev. Hayman: What’s the word you use for a people like this? Common lineage, common language, common goals…
Prof. Tucker: (on Buechner) His theology is not orthodox, but… y’know. Who cares.
Tingley: Plato called Aristotle “The Reader”. Which is a good thing to be called. (pause) Better than “The Gamer”.
Tingley: Please excuse the proximity in that sentence of God and a dung beetle.
Prof. Tucker: …the reign of King Elizabeth.
Zack: Umm… isn’t that Queen Elizabeth?
Prof. Tucker: No, King Elizabeth sounds right to me.
Prof. Tucker: “Interactional synchrony.” Sounds like a Police album.
Prof. Tucker: “Most drafts can be cut by 50 per cent without losing any information or losing the author’s voice.”
David: Wow. That’s a lot of per cent. That’s almost, like, half.
Sarah: Does Wolsey get his head chopped off?
Prof. Tucker: No, I think he just dies.
Kyle: I’d like to point out right now that those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.
Kyle: I think you really need to revise your definition of “feet”.
(Joel’s laptop starts making a weird beeping noise)
Tingley: Where is that noise coming from?
Joel: My laptop. And it’s never made that noise before. I didn’t think it was capable of making that noise.(pause)
Tingley We — we don’t have to flee the building?
Bladerunner: The Rape of Lucretia, that’s a nice story…
Dr. Patrick: (to Zack) Yes, your veins are fairly prominent!
Joel: Sir, if you had a knife, would you beat someone with it?
Rev. Hayman: I’d be inclined to use a hammer.
Dr. Patrick: So since you got the Templeton Prize, how has your life changed?
Dr. Heller: It has been RUINED.
Dr. Heller: Cosmology is more narrow. Cosmology is concerned with one thing only: the universe.
Joel: (on his scarf) It’s like a day-long hug from a very fluffy man.
Janice: Or an attempt to strangle you from a very weak man.
Tingley: When you hear people talk about art, what do you think of?
Zack: I think of film, actually.
Tingley: Well, you would, wouldn’t you.
Rev. Hayman: What does “amen” mean?
Zack: (remembering that we’d looked this up, but I couldn’t remember what it meant) …aw, crap.
Rev. Hayman: It does not mean “aw, crap”.
Tingley: Now, some people don’t like the word “argument”.
Zack: I like the word argument.
Tingley: We know you like it, Zack. That might be the first thing we learned about you.
Prof. Tucker: (on the Rime of the Ancient Mariner) First reactions?
Dave: I liked it.
Prof. Tucker: OK. Why?
Dave: Uhhh… it was cool…
Tingley: …the forum here was populated only by pigs, deer, and vegetables…
Bladerunner: What case is “tibi,” Kyle?
Kyle: Umm… dative?
Bladerunner: Dative. Dative, David. (pause) David dative. Dative David. (chuckles)
Karen: (on how she’d been using Emily’s method of abbreviaysh) I was doing the Scriptures reading and I thought, “justificaysh”.
Zack: Heh, and sanctificaysh.
Dave: Whoa, guys. That’s not funny. It has to do with your salvaysh!
Joel: (coming over) Hey guys, I really enjoyed that talk on the Transfiguraysh.
Kyle: I like carnage, OK? Nothing wrong with that.
Kyle: What did I tell you about dreamworlds of magic? No more dreamworlds of magic!
Tingley: Does everyone agree with that? Or do we have… dissenters?
Tingley: In a syllogism, two negatives don’t make a positive, they make a big nothing.
Tingley: Is it valid?
Joel: No. Yes.
Tingley: I got a “no” and a “yes”… FROM THE SAME PERSON!
Tingley: (speaking of Zack) I just wish we could dial the irony knob down, though…
Dr. Patrick: No no, rack it up!
Dave: I dunno… is there such a thing as too much Bach?
Prof. Warren: (immediately) No.
Joel: (on the garbage) It sounds like some fruity tree gone wrong.
Emly: I need something abrasive. Can I borrow your personality?
Nova: I feel like one big frozen nose.
Tingley: (looks at Joel’s tea) Looks like Joel’s poured himself a nice scotch.
Joel: Accept my hospitality or I’ll KILL YOU!!!
Nova: Somehow proximity to the food makes me feel safer.
Emly: You clearly haven’t seen me cook.
(watching Andrei Rublev)
Cyril: It’s like Ottawa: always winter.
Nova: But never Christmas!
Zack: Some people don’t think squirrels will be in heaven.
Emly: (in silly voice) Well, the people who think that are probably not going there anyway.
Rev. Hayman: Were you saying something, Samantha?
Samantha: Oh, I was just gonna say what Dave said.
Rev. Hayman. Oh. You might want to change that… I was about to rip him to shreds.
(Tingley rings “bell” for quiet in the class)
Joel: Every time you do that it makes me think of a wedding.
Tingley: What do I have to do to shut you up.
Cyril: (to Jesse) Ah, you Eastern Orthodox weren’t REALLY worshipping God this morning because you were praying in a language you could understand!
(Cyril says something about the pope)
Jesse: Who you worship.
Cyril: We VENERATE the pope, we do not WORSHIP him…
Jesse: Yes you do.